Gentle Hands: When Toddlers Hit, Bite and Snatch

The three-move response

• Stop it, calmly and briefly. "I won't let you hit. I'll help you be cross safely" — said while gently blocking the arm, the minimum needed to stop harm, never a punishment, never prolonged.
• Tend the hurt child first, visibly. This is the actual lesson, broadcast live: in this family, the person who got hurt gets the attention. (It also quietly removes the attention-reward from the hitting.)
• Coach the redo when the weather allows. "Let's try that again with asking" — one redo at three is worth ten tellings-off, because it converts the failure into a practice rep.

What to skip: shame ("you're being horrible" installs a label, not a lesson), long lectures (nobody learns mid-storm), and biting back or smacking — which teach precisely the move you're trying to retire, and which the evidence record consistently links with worse behaviour over time, not better.

Build the replacement skills

Hitting fades fastest when something else can do its job. Name feelings relentlessly ("you're cross — the tower fell") so words start arriving before the arm does. Show gentle rather than demanding it — your hand demonstrating, or theirs resting on yours, with their okay. Run turns instead of forced sharing, and protect both directions: a child whose turn is defended ("you can say 'I'm not finished'") has less to defend with her teeth. And watch the fuel gauges — most biting seasons run on tiredness, hunger and overwhelm, which no amount of coaching outruns.

When it's worth a conversation

Occasional hitting and a biting phase are the age. Mention it to your health visitor, GP or the nursery when the pattern sits outside the weather: aggression that's constant and injurious rather than occasional; a child who seems frightened rather than furious; loss of skills they used to have; or biting that persists intensely well past the early years. Nurseries have seen every version — ask what they see, and make a plan together. Asking early is free.